I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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