I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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