I think I am morally bankrupt
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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