Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i was born a porn star she said
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
