life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
