some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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