WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
