youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
