You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
