We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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