my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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