one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
