i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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