You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
