So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
