so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
