If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
