I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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