Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
