and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
