That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
