I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
