it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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