I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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