as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Sorry my hands just texted you
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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