she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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