3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
