I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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