he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
