I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
