would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
