You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
