Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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