Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
