When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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