I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
