dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
