My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
