We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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