so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
