oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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