Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
