Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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