She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
