Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
