I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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