please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
