Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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