My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
