I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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